how to trick or treat as an adult

As a child you can see Halloween was about sheer greed for me. The tight smile says "mom, take the damn picture and let's hit the house that gives out the king size candy bars."

As I mentioned before Halloween doesn't really strike my fancy as much as it does for some people. However, there is one element of Halloween that I will always hold dear: trick or treating. Or just treating rather, who likes a trick? GIVE ME THE CANDY....muhahahha. Anyways, now that I am considered an "adult" I have to be sneaky about how to get my free candy. I have devised a list.

1. Find a small child to take trick or treating in agreement to split your loot 70:30. They are at a very cavity-prone age anyways and don't need all that sugar. And of course, take the Almond Joys, Snickers, and Reeses for yourself, leave them with the butterscotch candies, black licorice taffies, and the cough drops from the family who "forgot it was Halloween."

2. Do it for "charity." How's that for bad karma?

3. Volunteer to pass out the candy at your friends house while they hit the town. Tell them to purchase a giant bag of only one kind of candy and then operate a trade agreement with the little rug-rats. "My Laffy-Taffy for your Kit Kat." It is important to teach children business strategies early on.

4. Think like a child. What are the kids going as for Halloween this year? Justin Bieber (done and done, almost too easy), a One Direction band member, little- sort of inappropriate Katy Perrys, and maybe like a cupcake here and there? And of course there is always your standard witches, M&Ms, and pumpkins. So, get you a child-like costume. Then take off all of your make up, throw on a retainer, and do your hair in a giant messy bun or something...and you may be able to pull of middle-schooler. This of course only works if you are just over five feet tall, like myself.

5. Get a posse. Find some tweens and tag along.

6. Bring a stroller and cover the top with a blanket. Say your three year old is sleeping because he couldn't make it to all of the houses but you don't want him to wake up with so little candy. This is a good option if you are older looking than I am.

7. Go dressed as a Hooters girl and see how many people appreciate your dedication to the sport of trick or treating, and end up forking over the candy. Just kidding, don't be a Hooters girl, that's trashy. Be something classier like a cheerleader or a hardly recognizable version of Lady Gaga. Because after all, that's what Halloween is all about. Right?

Disclaimer! Remember to check your candy for poisons and drugs, because you're an adult now and that is your responsibility.

Trick or treat at your own risk, my friends. There is not a guarantee you won't get weird looks, old spearmints, or pissed off parents...but it will all be worth it when you get home, put on Wednesday's episode of Modern Family and gorge yourself.

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