1.22.2013

A SUPERFICIAL, INSIGNIFICANT, AND MISGUIDED GUIDE TO THE NFL


with the two teams that will face off in the superbowl decided, i thought now would be an appropriate time for me to share my "guide" if you will, to the nfl. will this be helpful to you if you are trying to learn anything about the sport of football? absolutely not. but it gives me a chance to put my logic in writing.

let's start with the fact that i never liked football. i kind of hated it actually. but then i started being forced to watch it with brad and i just came around a little? plus, once you start to understand something  it becomes more entertaining. but lately, the real reason why i want to like/understand football? so that i can join a fantasy league. the reason for that you ask? so that i can be jenny from the show the league. it's all very logical, yes?

i often find myself in discussions with people about the sport of football, just bullshiting away. cause that's my style. fake it until you make it, people. so here are my rules for how to become a illegitimate analyzer/fan of the organization that is the national football league.  

1. pick a team. everyone knows you gotta have a main team that you root for. but be careful here. you need to have a reason for why they are your team, or so i have learned. you can't just pick the patriots because the only nfl player you know is tom brady, you'll get called for it. think it through people. i am a packers fan because my boyfriend is a packers fan, thus, a reason! yes, that one is legitimate enough. when in doubt pick the team that resides in your state, usually no questions asked there.

2. pick some players around the nfl to love. i love clay matthews because he is hilarious and such a beast. i also like rgIII (i literally cannot give you a reason, i just do?), aaron rodgers (obvious reasons), and ray lewis (he's just cray and it's entertaining.)

3. pick some players to hate. for me, tom brady (all he does is cry and wear uggs). drew brees (shut up, drew brees). tim tebow (no explanation needed, he's effing annoying). collin kaepernick (ughhh, really kissing your muscles?) jay cutler (he married kristen from laguna beach, people! if that isn't enough of a red flag, i don't know what is.) as you can see i have very great articulations as to what players i like and don't like. you'll also notice that i only discussed quarter backs, that's because i'm a girl and i associate all teams with their quarter backs. it's a learning curve.

4. learn some basic knowledge of the game. i feel like i should have examples here....uhh? first downs? kick returns? touchdowns. definitely understand the concept of a touchdown.

5. learn the celebrations of players. this one is pretty useful especially for exhibiting your knowledge in public places like the gym. "did that girl just tebow after that set on the treadmill?" "did she just do ray lewis's pre-game dance before an intramural basketball game?" yes. yes she did. and she must know tons about the nfl. the tom brady one below is him pouting after a bad play. such a baby.


6. learn to associate certain players with certain teams. this is just a safe guard against looking like a dumb ass. i've been there people, take this one to heart ya hear?

7. when you are about to be shown up, start the trash talking. when in doubt just refer #3 and start bashing every player you hate, even though your reasons have nothing to do with touch downs, yardage, or anything significant to the sport, most people won't care. i said most.

you'll get the hang of it someday even better. you just have to keep on pretending until you are worthy of a conversation with any substance about the sport.



you're probably going to want to print this post. as it will be immensely helpful in your life's endeavors. 

2 comments:

  1. Hhahahah Tom Brady dramatics....that just made my morning!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. hahaha i'm glad someone understands the annoyingness that is tom brady!

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