hey, kids! it's me, mom! cool that i'm writing to you before you were born, huh? how 'bout your births? sucked for me but probably pretty awesome for you, nevertheless, i'm glad you were born. in this picture above, i had just made out with a blue raspberry ring pop. this, for the record, is the only kind of making out you should be doing. got it?

first of all, sorry i'm an effing basketcase of a mother. (ask your aunt katie, she can tell you about her experience with this.) but i promise it's only because i love you and because i am bossy with control issues, okay? so you'll just have to get over that one. 

but besides that, you like me a lot don't you? i figured you did. i mean, i'm your mother damnit! but mainly you like me because i taught you how to do impressions of grandma pam and i take you out of class to go to cinnabon, right? okay, good.

kids, i'm writing you this letter because there are some things that i think you should know, about life, me, and things of that nature, okay? 

we'll start with a very important life note: don't ever become a pissed off, angsty teenager, okay? i wasn't one to grandma pam and grandpa cris, so don't be to me. that's how it works and i am too damn high stressed for that shit. this is my single worst fear about having you rugrats.

next, always try to be like your grandmother. she will teach you all that you need to know about love and compassion. 

if you're going to pick up any of my bad habits, let it be reality television, there are actually valuable things to be learned there. 

keep your friends close and keep your enemies the hell away from you. but first, don't have enemies.  

don't ask me if you can get a tattoo or if i will buy you a trampoline. i'll say no. i'll say no to a lot of things by the way, but i'll always say yes to letting you have ice cream or going to the movies on sundays. these are called compromises, children. 

i promise i will never yell or get angry at you for anything relating to sports. unless you're the next lebron james and then can make me a fortune. only kidding. sort of. plus, you have my genes so good luck with being athletic at all. you probably also have my calves so actually maybe give sprinting a try?

when in doubt, try to make a joke. 

to my little girl, i will give you bangs. you might not think it's cute then but once you see suri cruise as a baby you'll come around. 

to my little boy, i will dress you in a wardrobe that feels like you're wearing a costume everyday. so get used to looking like a cowboy somedays and a hip hop dancer the next. you can pick out your own clothes when you turn eighteen. yes, that's fair. 

do me proud and always be a good eater. and have a sweet tooth, too or else it's gonna be really lame when we hang out. 

and lastly, don't ever, ever, refer to taylor swift as classic country music. 

with all my love, 
your (super hawtttt) mother

p.s. i love you. 

^^that's a movie with hilary swank that is worth watching. so just write that down. 


  1. what a cute post (:


  2. this is just hilarious. and spot on. pretty much everything i'd want to tell my daughter :)

    i mean trampolines are actually pretty dangerous!!!


    1. BUT REALLY, trampolines are terrifying-- i have not had one good experience. thanks for stopping!


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